dee’s posterous

I declared myself a free spirit ages ago...am now affirming the same in writing. I view myself as a being belonging to the world; one day am here, the next am there...one moment am doing this, the next am doing that...and if there's next -then, am doing nothing.

 No one dictates my life, nothing accelerates or slows down my pace. All over sudden, my reflexes are like those of an escargot (snail) -slow and weak though calculating and alert -leaving my mind exposed, compromising my thoughts, in a good way though as am now able to think, focus and clearly decipher what i want for myself. It won't be long before things work out my way....with or without you, i can live...with or without you (rhetorical)

 PS: With or without no one in particular, but if the shoe fits, then wear it...just a small text that goes a long way to show how determined i am in proving my non-dependent lifestyle:-)

c/o P.O. Box xxxx,

NAKURU.

22^nd February 2008

Dear Sir,

RE: BLESSED IS THE LEADER WHO SEEKS THE BEST FOR THOSE HE SERVES

I Debonairs with much humility, sincerity and gratitude do hereby tender my resignation to  Workers Union, having worked in the institution for almost five years has been a tremendous experience for me in all aspects of my life.

Thank you for the opportunity you gave me, it was always your intent to spare me even with the understanding that I was not trained in this particular field, I was asked to perform duties beyond my competence, and I made it- at my age, privileged to learn secrets beyond my understanding, and I upheld them. You have helped formed my character, nurtured my will and shaped my future by not only working closely but also hand in hand with you as I was loyally dispensing my duties to the organization.

The sole reason of my decision to resign is that I want to go back to school, pursue further education and equip myself more academically so that I can continue to pursue my career in the line of accountancy. But due to the nature of my work, I cannot be able to faithfully do my office duties and study concurrently hence, my resignation and the need to move on.

Thank you so much for having welcomed me, accepting me and giving me this job even when I was not the most qualified in it and also for allowing me to associate with one of the senior most citizens in Kenya in the Trade Union Movement.

As I leave this organization with the fondest of memories, I wish you all the best as you continue fighting for a worthy course on behalf of the others.

Yours Sincerely,

Debonairs.

PS: Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves

If I wasn't as strong willed as I am, then I would have lost the plot ages ago...Since Sunday, I've been debating between hurling my phone at the wall and watch it smither into tiny little pieces or changing my number...I have settled on the latter, given that it is cheaper to buy a simcard as opposed to buying a phone.

HOD in this case is not gonna mean; Head of Department, Herpes Organisation Developers, Home Office Deliver, Hurt on Duty, Heart of Darkness, Home Owners Dues...NO! NO! NO!...it's neither of what I've mentioned. I want it to mean Height of Desperation. Am infuriated, am mad, am angry...am everything bad as of now, thanks to the dickheads I encounter in my life.

Saturday
Hamza calls more than five times and I, funny enough, as if out of duty, I answer the phone on all those occassions and we talk. Then at some point, it hit me that am totally fed-up and so I decided to ignore his calls. He wanted us to go clubbing but instead, I chose to go with Martin from Senegal...who, turned out to be a total jerk. We lunk up at 22:30 and by 23:30 I knew I was never hanging out with him ever...it took me less than an hour to figure him out and place him into oblivion. His behaviour reminded me of one Juma...a guy I referred to as my thug, who indeed lived up to his name and managed to have my shack, which was in the safest of hoods burglarized ...while I was on a trip abroard and was under his care. For starters, Martin crached and I complained loudly at how disgusting such habit was ...he justified himself by saying that men were allowed to spit whenever and wherever. Am not talking ordinary spit...am talking phlegm...the deep throat, yellowish-greenish shit. Anyway, I made it very clear that he was not to expect any kiss from me, I couldn't bring myself to the act of kissing him...not even if money was involved. He was revolting in every sense of the word! We went to 'MAXI' Club, I had so much fun dancing and flirting abit ...all the while, managed to detach myself from him...like he didn't even exist.

Sunday:
I had promised Hamza that I'd meet up with him at 15:00, this, so as he could stop bothering me on Saturday with stupid calls. After spending the whole previous night dancing and getting plastered...I was tired and still had some dinner invitation at 19:00, an invitation that I couldn'nt turn down given that I had an idea of what was in the menu. We don't encounter 5 course meals on a daily basis...thus I would definately pass on a date and choose food anytime:-)
HOD: 15 missed calls...6 desperate voice messages

Monday:
I couldn't be bothered by the act of turning on my phone...I had to deal with having lost my lovely sunglasses on Sunday, that had costed me a fortune...never mind that they were on sales and they had a 40% discount...but the final price still managed to leave a dent in my pockets. Plus I also had an impromptu emotional breakdown...that am still dealing with upto this moment. No amount of preparation or precedented events prepares you for such.
HOD: 1 voice message and heaven knows how many calls!

Tuesday:
I head to the gym, my only approved escape route...I sweat it out for 2hours...
HOD: 11 missed calls!!

Wednesday, today:
It's chilly, am still down, was unable to access internet the whole day, am coming down with a flu...(not swine flu lol) but was going to see the doctor later on in the evening.
HOD: Between 16:19 and 18:00
-15 missed calls and still counting. I had my phone on silence but even as I was writing this note, it couldn't stop blinking.
-1 voice message
-1 text message badly spelt out

He writes "jetame" usually, its "je t'aime". What would I be doing with a dude who doesn't have a clue on what good grammar entails?

I go to the doctors and by the time am leaving...noises in my head hasn't stopped saying...."Fuck the French men!!! Fuck the French Doctors!!! Fuck everything French!!! ... save for the wine, cheese and bread!!! Looks like I'll have to arrange and get some treatment from elsewhere, maybe home. Am soo pissed off, no one should mess with me at this point in time...don't say you weren't warned....
HOD:18:00 to 22:00 -15 missed calls!

Thursday:
I have decided not to switch on my phone until I get myself a new line...

If this isn't the height of desperation, tell me what is?!

Last evening my kid sis really really angered me. So I find her online, it's been a while since I had a chat with her...coz I sent her like three emails all of which went unanswered...so yesterda, I only chatted her up coz I wanted her to pass a message to my big sis...coz she lives at her place...

Me: Kwani you are still at work
Sis: Heheheheh
Me: (Not at all in the mood for pretentious laugh)...So, how come you never reply my emails?
Sis: I have decided I want my space and as such I have taken a break from everyone from now on until the end of the year.
Me: So, are you holed up at some convent or you still at Sabrina's place.
Sis: Your point exactly...
Me: If you are still at her place...sorrounded by about 7 people (my sis, and her family)...then needing your space doesn't really add up:-/
Sis: Heheheheh
Me: It's not at all funny!! Did you send out a memo of sorts informing those who happen to care about you (read family) of the same.
Sis: I didn't have to.
Me: Okey, that's your choice, guess am obliged to obey it. So lemmi get straight to the point so as not to fill up your space anymore.
So, I tell her whatever message I wanted her to pass to my sister...and log off.

At this point, I was soooo furious!!! I was sooo mad, soooo angry...I felt like banging my head several times on the wall at my sister's stupidity...but anway, it's her life...she is not going to hear from me in a very very long time, lol. Never mind that we are already miles and miles apart...her in Africa, me in Europe....how much space can a human being require really??

Am still mad...am taking a break from being online and having to be the one to face other people's stupid decisions and shortcomings.

Today I feel so proud of myself...I just had to write this down, given that these notes act as my diary...everytime I go through them and relive the moments, all I do is smile and smile and smile some more...coz it's like the story of my life...anyway, it was a friend's birthday...I am not very flash with cash at the moment, but that never stops me from doing good stuff to people...she was the only person whom I know moaned the passing on of MJ seriously, am sure even more than his nuclear family...So I had to get her anything related to that dude...I go to Virgin Stores and they have a variety of CDs...ranging between 7€ and 30€...at the time, I was still saving up for a gift lol....

So I go back there the other day, and stumble upon this two set of DVD for his live tour in Bucharest...I must say it costed me, but I still went ahead and bought it...the d-day being today, I decided to bake her chocolate brownies...coz she is soo mad over anything chocolate...after doing that...I top up everything with some simple dinner...made Kenyan style..."rice and beef stew"...my cake was not all that coz I didn't lay the paper well on the tin. Bottomline...it cooked well...the picture may not be all that, but I think it's the thought that counts...besides, it's been a while since I cooked lol

Happy Birthday mon amie:-)

Reflections: Anger, hurt, resentment, rage, sadness, withdrawn, fury...
Result: Headache, tense muscles, hurting jaw from clenching my teeth lol...
Solution: Silence, reminiscing, music...
Results: Negative...
What to do?
Smoke a joint...it worked:-)

So this silly cockroach of a dude is meant to be bailing me out, fine, he has been doing it...but now he is pushing things a bit too far...so he sends me an email;

Cockroach: Maybe you can give e-mail address toy our sister or so?

I take this as one of those bad jokes men pull, so I go like, "Now you want my sister's email address? Which one? afterall polygamy is still very legal in Kenya:)))

Cockroach: Yes hi hunni! I would like to hear your sisters opinion of you and so!

Did he annoy me, or did he annoy me...I loose the plot on emails with lots of people, but I never thought I would ever loose it with Cockroach, I just had to tell him in a good way though,

"Fuck you Cockroach!!  You are either helping me or not! I can as well give you my Dad's and my Mum's number for good measure...even my high school teachers contact!! Life fucks me enough to get it from someone who claims to be a friend. Am sick and tired of all this! Go fly a kite, for all I care!!

On clicking the send button, I catch myself smiling triumphantly...am still smiling. Silly dude, I'mma whip his white arse back to the land of reality if he doesn't watch out!

I have noticed that I get so nostalgic whenever I receive negative vybes especially from people who I feel are closest to me...in this case, my roomies. Yesterday I was hit soo badly that I almost had a melt down...I couldn't let it happen coz the first time I had a major meltdown, sometime in January this year, it was terrible...I couldn't stop crying...but afterwards I felt sort of relieved...like a huge burden was offed my shoulders. Anyway, I took a few of my postcards, photo album, ipod, novel and my usual notebook and headed to the beach. I wrote out the cards, checked out my pics for almost 1000times, smiling at all the memories that they always bring forth, shed a few unavoidable tears for missing out in all the family and friendly fun...and that small ritual, believe it or not brought forth some small dose of relief.

As dark started creeping in, I called the only person who happens to be a phone call away at least for now, -Toufiqque -he was so glad to hear from me and he tells me that it's Ramadhan and does the best thing, invites me over for dinner at his place. As simple as he is, I was soo glad that he asked me over being that we have a common ground, that is, both of us are foreigners...though he is up ten on me...he got a few buddies...I got like...eeerrmmm...NONE:-/ I drew courage from my suicidal friend who spends time with in her words "Mr. Boring" just for the company. At least Toufique makes me laugh even though he claims to be madly in love with me yet I have made it very clear that all I want is some sane company and that am not in love...

I want to run away...

We connected instantly, I really liked him coz apparently good men are an endangered species...not that I care about men to tear my hair off in misery, but good in the sense of finances. Toufique indeed confirmed my fears as to why I prefer spending time indoors. Am such an easy babe, and I particularly enjoy indulging with strangers, before him, there was Abdi who just dissapeared into oblivion where he belongs. Touffique is a butcher, he had just received his salary...he tells me he earns 2,500€ a month...am wondering, "why is he telling me all this"...but I concluded that maybe he needs someone to help him spend the money. He tells me he has fallen in love with me, and that he wants us to spend all our times together...I tell him I don't do the love business and that he should stop talking like an obsessed lover...it had been only hours from the time we met and you would think we have known each other from the beginning of time. He notices I don't have earings, he notes that down on "things to buy"...he mentions a chain, t-shirts, shoes, a bag ...I tell him I don't need any of what he wants to buy me...but he tells me to leave him alone, that I have now become his business and that if I need anything at all, it's him I should look up to. Then I wonder what date it was, coz my birthday passed by four months ago...I couldn't have forgotten it coz my friends threw me a party...and neither was it Christmas day...it never takes place in this heat...so I concluded that he is one of those few good guys who cross my path once in a while...I welcome him into my life with open arms, I don't tell him loudly...it's my secret, god knows I need the financial support, lol. He asks whether I know how to fuck, I tell him am an amateur, but I can find my way to a dick...we have such lovely time at the beach...he wants to meet me again the following day, I decline as am not used to rush-hours...I want him to miss me a bit ...lol...so we are meeting again tomorrow. He has promised to buy me the monthly bus pass...he has promised me so much....well, it's about time someone else took the burden off my shoulder...I've been spoiling myself , yes...now I gladly let him do it ...lol...He even said that he will get me some chunks of meat...both from the butcher and am sure he is thinking of the pieces that lie between his legs. Someone once said, "no one should begrudge us if like cats we have the affinity for the fine things in life, it's not gold digging...it's survival instinct. Why crawl when you can stand on someone else's shoulder?" Thank heavens for short-sighted men...I wonder whether such women exist really:)))